


it was nice (not peaceful nor quiet)

by atitforatat



Series: the lover series [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, POV Harry Potter, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Pre-Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-08 23:44:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20985239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atitforatat/pseuds/atitforatat
Summary: Forgiving and forgetting, moving on etc. Harry heard of it all, he just never felt ready for that.





	it was nice (not peaceful nor quiet)

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is the first of a series called Lover, because all of the fanfics are loosely based off of songs from Taylor's last album of the same name. This is one comes from "I Forgot That You Existed".  
[Click here to hear the song](https://youtu.be/p1cEvNn88jM)
> 
> English is not my native language and this is unbeta'd, so pls tell me about any mistakes

_“Hogwarts’ days are over_

_Hogwarts’ days are gone_

_The N.E.W.T.s are coming so you better run_

_Hogwarts’ days are over_

_Hogwarts’ days are gone_

_Can you bear the N.E.W.T.s?_

_Cause’ here they come”_

There was a voice singing at some distance and the lyrics were funny. Harry knew the singer’s name but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He was conscious that he knew the woman from somewhere but couldn’t remember _this _where either. _Fleur and the Francine_ kept playing, as he finally remembered her name and the fact that she was married to Bill Weasley, so their mysterious link was discovered, her only famous song was put on repeat and Harry wasn’t on the mood to change it. He would have to give up on his vegetative state and, after so many days in it, he didn’t feel like throwing his great efforts to stay like that in the bin.

But in a more matter of fact way, the lyrics were being somewhat useful. Hogwarts’ days were over for a good while, everyone of his friends moved on from those years and they were starting to worry after him and his firmly-stuck-in-the-past mind. Harry didn’t mean to cause trouble, and that’s why he never showed any form of agreement when this topic was brought up, but he too acknowledged that it was far too much time to put the past where it belonged.

And he had so many good reasons to keep his life caught in previous situations. There was so much history, people and words to be left go and he didn’t feel like he was ready to open the door just yet. Offhandedly, Harry perfectly understood people’s eagerness to let it all drift away. They had lived through the pain of two wars and had lost more than any other wizard community in the magic world. They also had the hope that, between wars, their children, the ones that were able to at least be born, would never get to live all those horrible things again.

Wizard London wasn’t born in pain and it didn’t want to live in it after centuries in relative peace. They cleansed the after effects of the war in a very clinic and fast way, not leaving place to people like him, who were used to living in despair, just so their lives could go on like a teenager never had his child and teen days sacrificed for this same peace. Like Harry only existed as their perfect and very mature hero, who perfectly fit with the beautiful Weasley girl and their adorable future children.

They made bronzes of Dumbledore and Snape, gave them “war heroes” emblems and subtly erased half of their deeds. Harry tried to be like them, tried to love Ginny more like a lover than a brother and tried to adore Dumbledore, tried to forgive his uncles and cousin mistreatment. And he failed miserably.

But now he knew why, at the least.

He knew there wasn’t anything forgivable about his infant times and, even if Dumbledore and Snape gave their lives for a memorable cause, they destroyed him and there wasn’t anything heroic about that. He knew he couldn’t love Ginny even if he wanted, because she was a friend and a sister, and even if he could watch her like the other boys did, he wouldn’t be able to. Ginny was one of the many women he could say he loved but not as people would like it. This type of love he left for men.

_Man_, Harry’s conscience corrected in the middle of his brainstorm.

Hogwarts’s day were over, but his obsession was never close to be. Dumbledore and Snape were unforgettable for him, the Dursleys were unforgivable to his mind, blind and disappointing wizard society were impossible to ignore to his ears, and Draco Malfoy was worse than all these three put together.

Years of fighting and pushing each other’s buttons just to see what reaction each push would get lazily explained by a chaste kiss. Which started more doubts than gave actual answers and he wasn’t prepared to publicly admit that he spent almost four years going crazy over such simple act.

If Harry decided to be honest, and he didn’t, he could admit that letting go was a piece of cake and that he actually got over the whole war complication a year or something after Hogwarts’s Battle. In Eighth Year though, fucking Malfoy was back with him and something in his instance simply propelled Harry to go after him. Obsession was back and unfortunately dully noted by Malfoy.

Some yelling, some punches trowed in, more yelling, a fucking _kiss_. Then a “sod off, Potter” practically spitted at his face. Malfoy was comfortingly acting like he always did, with a little out of character mood in there, but still the whole thing seemed normal. _Routine_. Harry have missed it.

Routine was also one of the very reasons he didn’t let anything go. It was soothing to his anxiety to be caught up in the same monotonous everyday of his life. Hating Malfoy and his family, being angry at Dumbledore for hiding so much and leaving him to suffer alone with a group of prejudiced people that fucked him up for good.

But he was indeed a Gryffindor, therefore, he dealt with it. All of it. Finally, Harry felt like nothing never happened. The war occurred, his mentors failed him, their society sucked, and it was okay. Harry would never forget, because there was too much to simply forget. But he didn’t remember the clear messages and hard learnt lessons people gave him.

He didn’t forget seven to eight years of him and his best friends being mocked up and the malicious glances. He also didn’t forget the close link between blond hair and traumas. He may have pardoned it all, though.

But he forgot everything else. The hateful screams and the angry tears. The sobs that were so strong he felt like choking, the chest-closing feeling that he had to endure for nights and nights in a roll. He just let it all go away with distant memories of kissing red hair and freckled faces, feeling weird about the way male backs and faces looked always a bit more appealing until any other kind of faces and backs weren’t even receiving his attention. The wrongness he always found in himself wasn’t gone; it simply vanished.

The obstructing sensation of never being fitted for anywhere. He knew now where he wanted to be, and it was enough. He forgot everything else existed besides himself and his needs and wishes.

No Voldemort and his Naguini came back, nor bad dreams about a greasy unhappy man or beyond voices coming after his clean conscience.

What came back, for real, was his new owl, Cheshire, bringing a letter attached to his legs, that proudly displayed Malfoy Family crest.

As Harry looked at the owl, he reflected about his fixed thought that his best years were the ones mixed with the worst moments just because everything started there and that his life would be over after Hogwarts, but, after Hogwarts and after all, here he is. And it was okay.

To effectively act about the whole “doing something for yourself” thing, though, was a whole new level of difficulty which he really didn’t want to ponder about. Cheshire, at the other hand, couldn’t be less interested in his miffing thoughts and simply started pecking loudly in the windows glass. Harry ended up getting up and letting the bird inside, afraid his pecks would end up hurting him.

He decidedly didn’t give up on his very serious “stay in bed forever” project just for Malfoy. No, it was for the sake of Cheshire’s health only.

Yet, after reading Malfoy’s answering letter, he could grant that a small, tiny, just a little bit, part of his motivations was caused by the devil blond. He would permit only that anyway.

But, while deciding the less awkward way of showing how baffled and happy he is through words, which were never his strong point as _Malfoy_ used to say about his articulation, he smiled, coming to understand the choice he was making between happiness and quietness. It was chaos or peace, no therebetween. But there was only one path that would be nice, this he knew for sure.

Hogwarts’s days were gone, not his whole life. But his peace (if it even existed at some point) was about to be banned. And he gladly took the last step. Finishing the letter and setting the last details about place and time, he attached it to Cheshire’s legs. It would be nice.

Sending Cheshire back to Malfoy Manor, he felt the insistent beat of fear in his chest. Harry ignored it.

And he thought it could have killed him, but it didn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, please tell me what you thought in comments <3


End file.
